who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
