btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
