hotel room ftw
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
