I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
