Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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