so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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