Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
