Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
