Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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