How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
