my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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