There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
