I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
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I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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