Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
