my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
