The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just forgot I was standing up.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
