Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
