1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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