if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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