You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
