I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
