She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
