Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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