meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
