This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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