My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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