i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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