After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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