no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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