Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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