hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
