On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!