he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.