your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
