i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
