the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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