I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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