I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
