What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
