Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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