Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
