I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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