I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well I just put wine in my tea
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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