how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
