he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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