Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
