Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
