My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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