oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
