I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
