sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
