Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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