I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
