my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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