HIV tests are more positive than that guy
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
