i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
