is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
