More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
