my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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