Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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