it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
