wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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