I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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