That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
