Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
