Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my phone needs a breathalizer
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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