If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
