Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
